The single most useful tool in kink, and it costs nothing. You each go through the list separately, mark everything, then compare. What you are looking for is not a scorecard — it is the overlap, and the honest conversation the gaps start.
How to use it
Work through it separately. That is the whole point — filling it in together invites you to soften answers to match your partner’s face.
Mark each item: YES — want to, or already enjoy it. NO — hard limit, not up for discussion. MAYBE — curious, or would consider it in the right headspace with the right person.
Then swap. Compare only the YES/YES pairs first; that is your immediate menu. Come back to the MAYBEs later, one at a time. Never treat a NO as a starting position for negotiation — the fastest way to stop hearing the truth is to argue with it once.
Two rules that make this work: a MAYBE is not a soft yes, and you can change any answer at any time, including in the middle of a scene.
Sensation
Blindfolds · earplugs or white noise · feathers and soft textures · ice · hot wax (low-temperature candles only) · scratching · biting · hair pulling · pinching · nipple clamps · clothes pins · spanking by hand · paddle · flogger · crop · cane · electro / TENS · Wartenberg wheel
Restraint
Hands held down · scarves or soft ties · leather cuffs · metal handcuffs · rope on wrists · rope on the body (decorative) · shibari · spreader bar · under-bed restraints · collar (worn in private) · collar (worn out) · leash · cage or confinement · mummification · being restrained alone in a room (with a monitor)
Power and roleplay
Giving orders · following orders · brat play · praise · degradation (agreed words only) · service tasks · protocol and rules outside the bedroom · titles and honorifics · pet play · age-play (adults only) · uniform or costume roleplay · consensual non-consent scenarios · public play (clothed and discreet) · being watched by a trusted third party
Bodies and acts
Manual · oral (giving) · oral (receiving) · penetration (giving) · penetration (receiving) · anal play · prostate play · strap-on play · toys — external · toys — internal · double penetration · fisting · watersports · face-sitting · frottage · mutual masturbation · edging · orgasm denial · forced orgasm
Gear and materials
Latex · leather · lace · fishnet · harnesses · chastity devices · gags — ball · gags — bit · gags — cloth · hoods and masks · heels · lingerie on either partner · packers · breast forms · strap-ons · sounding · pumps · vibrators during a scene
The bit most lists leave out
These matter as much as anything above, and almost nobody discusses them until something goes wrong:
Marks — are visible marks acceptable? For how long? Anywhere that clothes cover, or nowhere at all?
Photos and video — during a scene? Stored where? Deleted when? Shared with anyone, ever?
Other people — who is allowed to know about this? Are munches or clubs on the table?
Substances — is any alcohol acceptable before play, and how much? Many people set this at zero, and that is a completely reasonable rule.
Aftercare — what do you each need afterwards? Company or solitude? Food? To be told it was good? Answering this one badly ruins otherwise excellent scenes.
Health — injuries, joints, asthma, medication, anything that affects circulation or breathing. This is not a mood-killer; it is the difference between a good night and A&E.
Afterwards
Date the list and keep it. Redo it in six months — answers move, usually in the direction of more MAYBEs becoming YESes and a few YESes quietly becoming NOs. Both directions are normal.
If you only take one thing from this page: the conversation is the skill. Everything on this list is easier to learn than the habit of saying what you actually want out loud.